Observations

I have been putting off trying to be observed as long as possible. I am not sure I am really super comfortable with someone watching all my mistakes for a whole class period. Its not that I am nervous to have people sit in my classroom, its just that kids and adults are so different. Adults just want to comment on every little thing where as kids will just laugh it off... and you might be known as the cookiest teacher in town, but really, is that such a big deal?

I think this is one reason I like being a tacher. The audience is kids! Honestly, they are a lot easier to please than adults. The thing is, I'm actually great with parents and grandparents (as long as they aren't my own) and have been called an "old soul" before, but its just not my cup of tea to stand in front of my actual peers and be critiqued. It reminds me of the times where I had to play my clarinet in the band in front of everyone for chair tests and even though I could play perfectly at home, I couldn't muster up the courage or breath to even make a good first sound, which in turn left me shaking nervously and before you knew it, I could barely even stay on the chair. I think it really all boils down to one thing... I just don't like to be on stage if I'm the only one.

I wish we didn't even have to do it. I feel like I still am not ready to be watched. I am constantly on edge about the smallest things in my classroom because I try to make every day so perfect... yes, I realize this will never happen, but you don't know me if you don't know that I'm forever trying. I want each kid to see the light and I want them to understand all the procedures and rules as well as be entertained by the stuff on the walls. I also have to make sure that I am keeping up with daily announcements, taking attendance, doing grades and teaching the TEKS (... yah! teks!) along with assessments and whatever else I am leaving out. This is definitely an ongoing position and while I don't neccesarily take it home each night... I do think about it and not to mention have crazy dreams about it constantly.

I have great mentors and I know they think I can succeed, but I think that is a whole other problem. I would hate to dissapoint them. Today my mentor teacher told me that my consultant said I would be a great teacher and as much as I am shining on the inside about that fact... my stomach is tying in knots because in my head I'm not really to the goals I have set for myself. Honestly, I think those goals change every day, but the point is, I really don't know if by the end of the year I will feel that I have met my own "great teacher" standards and that is kind of frustrating.

Anyhow, my consultant is coming on Thursday around 10:30 to watch me, so PLEASE be saying lots of prayers and sending happy thoughts to me AND my students... goodness knows that I won't get through this without them. I have a really fun lab that I had already planned (WOOHOO!!) and it is the first REAL lesson that I have planned without the help of other teachers at this school. But, I did borrow it from a great website and most importantly it involves jellybeans which are pretty much my favorite candy (besides chocolate, of course!) at the moment. I think everythign will go alright... I'm just hoping that I can pull it off.